Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. Just to get me through 5 more minutes on the treadmill, one more rep on the bowflex. One more bite of eggbeaters, one more sip of jet black coffee. How long is it going to take, exactly, until I resolve to the fact that my body doesn’t process preservatives or artificial sweeteners like a quick metabolism would? When am I going to stop stuffing my face with the stuff that does NOT work for me?

I’m so angry with myself, for failing. Almost a month ago, I was 5 pounds lighter. Granted, I haven’t had the necessary water intake for the past couple of weeks to even know if that’s fat or water retention, because I haven’t really been caring much about either water or sodium lately. I also hadn’t really fully processed the fact that had I continued doing what I stopped doing on February 25th, I would have met my goal by now.

Instead, I’ve gone backwards.

Instead, I am angry with myself for not caring. I’m mad that I gave up on myself, and I’m mad that I’m trying my damndest to blame someone else for my own personal failure. I’m mad that I rely on the input of other people to gauge my success and draw motivation from. Why? I would love to know the root of my problem here. I can’t overcome it if I don’t know what it is, so what the heck is it?

Today I hit the snooze button – twice. I got up and wrote in my blog instead of working out during my quiet time. I procrastinated it because I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t care.

I did force myself to do my upper body routine on the bowflex, then I broke a sweat after 12 minutes on the treadmill. I made myself do my 8 minute abs. It’s like I’m picking up each leg with both hands, lifting it, moving it forward, and dropping it.

I wish I had written down what motivated me before, because I sure as heck can’t seem to figure it out right now. I know I’m not doing as bad as I could be and I’m glad about that, I’m glad that what I consider bad isn’t as bad as it was 2 months ago. Still, I’m not doing myself any favors here and I need to figure out what is going to revive my spirit and pay closer attention to my nutrition again.

:blech: