Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. Just to get me through 5 more minutes on the treadmill, one more rep on the bowflex. One more bite of eggbeaters, one more sip of jet black coffee. How long is it going to take, exactly, until I resolve to the fact that my body doesn’t process preservatives or artificial sweeteners like a quick metabolism would? When am I going to stop stuffing my face with the stuff that does NOT work for me?
I’m so angry with myself, for failing. Almost a month ago, I was 5 pounds lighter. Granted, I haven’t had the necessary water intake for the past couple of weeks to even know if that’s fat or water retention, because I haven’t really been caring much about either water or sodium lately. I also hadn’t really fully processed the fact that had I continued doing what I stopped doing on February 25th, I would have met my goal by now.
Instead, I’ve gone backwards.
Instead, I am angry with myself for not caring. I’m mad that I gave up on myself, and I’m mad that I’m trying my damndest to blame someone else for my own personal failure. I’m mad that I rely on the input of other people to gauge my success and draw motivation from. Why? I would love to know the root of my problem here. I can’t overcome it if I don’t know what it is, so what the heck is it?
Today I hit the snooze button - twice. I got up and wrote in my blog instead of working out during my quiet time. I procrastinated it because I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t care.
I did force myself to do my upper body routine on the bowflex, then I broke a sweat after 12 minutes on the treadmill. I made myself do my 8 minute abs. It’s like I’m picking up each leg with both hands, lifting it, moving it forward, and dropping it.
I wish I had written down what motivated me before, because I sure as heck can’t seem to figure it out right now. I know I’m not doing as bad as I could be and I’m glad about that, I’m glad that what I consider bad isn’t as bad as it was 2 months ago. Still, I’m not doing myself any favors here and I need to figure out what is going to revive my spirit and pay closer attention to my nutrition again.
:blech:
1:37 pm
:hug: writing this post was a good start, you’ll get there! :hug:
3:13 pm
You are being honest with yourself and that’s a good sign you’re going to get to the bottom of it and get back on track. You can do it Leanne! You have inspired so many of us on this board and given us support when we’ve had setbacks, so let us do that now for you. You’ll get there! Go back and read some of your entries from good weeks on here and see if that helps. If nothing else, it will remind you how it felt to have that success, which may help you find more motivation in the end.
Best of luck to you!
4:27 pm
You are absolutely right. TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life. So what is your life going to be? First of all stop looking at what might have been. Yes it’s good to keep it in mind but not obsess over. If you need to remind yourself of your mistakes for motivation–well I guess do what it takes. But try to find something else to motivate yourself. Something positive–which I know you can do. You are always so positive and such a great “presence” here and elsewhere.
I know you can do this Leanne. I believe in you and so many others do too. It’s time for you to believe in yourself too.
10:14 pm
Not only is writing that post a good jumping off point for turning things around, but you’ve written *precisely* the questions that I’ve been asking myself lately. I’m barely holding on the loss I’ve had, let alone losing much more. (Tomorrow morning will tell that story.) But most of all, I’ve been asking myself WHY? Why don’t I care enough about myself to do what needs to be done? You said it perfectly. Because sometimes, I just don’t giv e a damn.
The thing is, I know that I’m the only one who can do this FOR ME. And that’s the only reason TO do it…for me. So, why aren’t I down 20 lbs by now. Where does that resolve go. Fortunately, it only disappears for short periods of time, and I’m sure yours will be back soon, too. I R-E-F-U-S-E to give up on me … don’t you give up on you! :friends:
5:19 am
I wonder about the elusive motivation as well. For me, it’s either there or it’s not. It’s simply a *BAM* that happens, and I get back on getting on.
While you’re waiting for your BAM to come back, don’t beat yourself up as a way to force the motivation to come back. Look how far you’ve come so far, and remind yourself what you did to get where you are.
(hope that wasn’t too preachy…)
6:51 am
Leanne, I took a gander at your web page and came across very impressed with what you have done with your life. You have accomplished so much already, and though you certainly are like the rest of us - reaching that “disenchantment” stage of “dieting” (for lack of a better word,) you don’t come across as someone who would quit outright. Take this time for what it is… a blah stage… and don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a strong woman. Keep thinking of all the success you’ve already enjoyed.
8:42 pm
Leanne,
Forgiving ourselves is the toughest thing to do. But this is a process, and there are bound to be rough spots and disappointments, but that doesn’t mean you stop going.
Here are a few things that motivate me. I’m hoping one (or more) of them might inspire you in your own way:
- A loose waistband
- Someone noticing that I’ve lost weight
- Having more energy for my family
- Feeling full and satisfied at the end of a meal that put good foods into my body
- That twinkle in my husband’s eye that lets me know he likes the changes he is seeing
- Having healthy food on my plate when my toddler wants some of mine instead of hers
- Seeing the success and support of all the people on this board