This time last year, the jeans I’m wearing today didn’t fit. I was buying new jeans, bigger jeans, because I had outgrown these a few months earlier.

This time last year, I started swimming to help my back. I knew I was carrying too much weight, and I knew I had to do something about it. I wasn’t too interested in “dieting”, though.

This time last year, I was 20+ pounds heavier than I am right now.

This year. This year I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Down 20 pounds, and stagnating.

I wonder if the only time I’m motivated is when snow is on the ground? I wonder if that’s just the time of year I’m most disgusted and willing to put forth the effort. Right now, this year, I’m still down from what I lost last spring. I still have 20 pounds to go.

This is the third day of the week. Monday, I started my “diet” again. By 2pm, I was frustrated with something and grabbed the Godiva. I told myself all the way to the spoon drawer that I was doing so well - don’t blow it - don’t blow it - right up until that first spoonful melted all over my tongue. Ugh. Tuesday, I started again. The good breakfast. Then my day was botched up for a few hours at physical therapy, so I called it quits again. I didn’t do bad in the afternoon - had a great turkey & potato bread sandwich, but I’d have liked to go with smaller meals, and maybe some rice instead of potato bread - maybe some vegetables instead of french fries at dinner.

So today, I’ll do it again. Unfortunately, my schedule is really not good right now and I hate to pull away what time I do have to work to go to the gym and swim again. It’s bad enough that I’m already losing a few hours a few times a week going to physical therapy. I can’t spend half my days all week long doing that stuff, I just can’t. Getting exercise is going to be tough.

This is the year I’ve been waiting for. This is the year I wanted to commit myself full time to growing my business, to earning consistently every month, all year.

So when am I going to exercise? When am I going to get back on track with my eating pattern?

Why couldn’t I just be a dog - eat the same food every day all day long in small bits, run around and play - and sleep. Why couldn’t I just be happy with a few pats on the head from my hubby and a belly rub from my kids?

Ugh. Double ugh. I need to put my foot down again, and continue on my path before I start going backwards.

Today, I’ll try again. I’ll go and make my eggbeaters, drink my grapefruit juice. Two hours later I’ll have some salad and sliced turkey. Then I’ll have some veggies and rice and chicken. If I can make it to the mid-afternoon can of tuna, I’ll be a happy girl.

I swear to God and everybody - I’ll have met my goal by the end of this year. I have to do this - for my hips, for my humps (my lovely little lumps), for my core, which needs major strengthening to avoid further back pain. I’ll keep starting again every day - until I get a day that I do it all day long. And then maybe the day after that I’ll do it all day long, too.

Wish me luck, for the umpteen-bazillionth time.